Monday, December 24, 2012

Home Wrecker Consequences


Now that the holidays are here, for me it is a time for reflection. When I think about Christmas I think about all the years of being with my family celebrating in our game room. The entire family gathered at our house to be together. What I remember the most was just this feeling of being content. While I was with all these people that I loved, I felt fulfilled. Back then we were close. That was before my mother died. With her death, my family pretty much evaporated in front of my eyes. Nothing was ever the same again.

Through the years my life has changed and so has the way I celebrate. While I was married I loved being with husband’s family and after a while they became my own.

Losing this family that were mine for so many years hits hard now that Christmas in just a day away. With them, I could be myself without any misunderstandings. I never had to worry about what I said. I was accepted for just being me. How golden that seems now that those days are in the past.

Besides giving up my dog Ivy who I loved so much, walking away from these people has been the hardest part to my divorce. Now this family is no longer mine. This is when I really feel the consequences of what I did. 

There is always the yin and yang that comes with making such big life-changing decisions. I love my boyfriend more than anything and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else but today I am just reminded of the sacrifices that I made. When I closed the door to my marriage I also left behind a family that meant the world to me.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Home Wrecker vs. Morals


Before the divorce, before "Home Wrecker" I used to pride myself on my high morals and my loyalty. I was never the kind of girl who went after her friends’ boyfriends or cheated on anyone. I had more self-respect than that. It had been difficult to accept that I was no longer the person I once was. I had to learn to see myself differently. I knew I was not a bad person but someone who had made some critical mistakes.


Friday, December 14, 2012

12/14/2012


If only we could remove all the sickness in the world and stop the killing of innocent men, women, and children. We could live in a world without fear. 

 As long as there are sick minds, we will never be free of such violent acts. There is just no way to understand how someone could be so cruel to want to take another life. It is one thing to hurt yourself but to use a gun with the intention of killing someone you have never even met is beyond comprehension.

I pray the victims are in a better place. A safer place than this. A place where there is no hatred but only love of the human race.


Thursday, December 13, 2012

Home Wrecker vs. Guilt


When I left my husband for another man I was scrutinized by just about everyone. More than that, I condemned myself continuously because I knew what I did was morally wrong.
I have had a hard time accepting what I did since I knew even while I was doing it, that it was unethical. You have to be able to feel good about yourself. You know the saying, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Well, there lies my dilemma. 

How do you forgive yourself for something that you know was immoral? How do you let yourself off the hook for being  imperfect?

The thing is we can’t undo the past. What is done is done. There comes a time you have to give yourself a break. 

From all of my mistakes, I have learned from them and gained an education. Some of these mistakes, I would do all over again.  We are human, right? Sometimes it takes us hitting  our head against the wall over and over again to actually learn something.

It takes a lot of work to forgive yourself and actually believe it. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Brooklyn


When I sat down to write Home Wrecker I decided I was going to come clean with everything. I was going to be my authentic self and not hold back. I wanted to strip all the protective layers away and become naked and vulnerable. 

I didn’t take into consideration the judgement and the criticism that would come my way. Even though it hurt and I became sensitive and at times fragile, I knew I could handle it. I have lived through much worse, so I knew I could manage whatever backlash were to follow.

I guess you can say I am a survivor because here I am to tell my story without any masks or disguises.

 I have nothing to hide.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Another one bites the dust...Yet another Home Wrecker edit


Fate

I believe fate changes everything. Things do happen for a reason.  Had I not learned to embrace life and live like my days were numbered, I never would have yearned for more, I would have continued being “the wife” who settled for less. I lived unfulfilled because I thought it was what I needed to do.
All these life changes have led me to a better place. Even though it had been the hardest, most difficult experience, I was so thankful to have gone through it, as it made me a stronger person.

What really changed my life was losing my mother when I did. I was so immature and knew nothing about the real world. That loss changed me in so many ways. Had my mom lived longer, I would have had an entirely different way of looking at things. I lived in a world that revolved around me and my happiness. My mom sheltered me from the ugly side of life. I only saw what she wanted me to see. After her death, I had to face the hard realities of life head on. I had no buffers and I had to learn to fend for myself. Some of the lessons I have had to learn, I learned the hard way.


Friday, December 7, 2012

ANOTHER HOME WRECKER EDIT....READ IT FOR THE LAST TIME...



"The actor" my make another appearance....

I met the actor that I agreed to go out on a date. We met on the Stairmaster at the club. He was well read and a good conversationalist. After graduating from Yale, he moved to Los Angeles from New York to work as an actor. He wasn’t good looking in the traditional sense, but he definitely had his appeal.

On our first date, he took me to a party. From the minute he picked me up, he couldn’t seem to keep his hands off of me. Even though I backed off as he tried to put his hands in the back pockets of my jeans, he still attempted to touch me. He was entirely different from what I had thought. I lost interest in him right away. 

He called me several times to go out again, but I kept turning him down. He started showing up at places he knew I would be. He certainly put some effort into spending time with me, which caught my attention. He had turned me off with his aggressive approach, but after a while, his persistence paid off. I agreed to go out with him again. 
Most of our time was spent in Santa Monica at his tiny “studio” apartment, as they were called. That was where he seduced me. He really did. I call that time with him my “sexual revolution,” because I learned a lot about sex and myself. I had never seen myself as “sexy” before this. I did things with him that I had never done before. 

With him, I felt like I was in a movie. I learned the art of seduction and I enjoying playing with it. I often showed up at his place dressed in what I call costumes. It was all fantasy. I wore a trench coat with nothing more than panties underneath. We were not making love, but we loved having sex. We were not moving toward anything more than simply enjoying each other’s bodies for that period of time. 

I actually felt appealing in his company. He was more sexual than any other man I had been with. He just loved women. He knew how to make a woman feel good. With him, I was able to be someone else, which I liked. After a while, I did start to have feelings for him. I think I was confusing sex with love. We never really connected on an emotional level. It was always just sex, nothing more, nothing less. It was nice while it lasted. I just couldn’t lie to myself any longer. I wanted more, while I kept accepting less. 

Eventually, I stopped seeing him. I knew it would only cause me pain down the road. To my surprise, it didn’t take long for me to bounce back, which made me certain I didn’t love him. It was simple to walk away from this man. I learned how easy it was to get caught up in the moment and how effortless it was to walk away.

Years later, the actor got work on a hit television show. He is now a famous actor doing what he set out to do. He is married with children, but has a reputation as a ladies’ man. Just last year he went to rehab for sex addiction. Which was no shock to me.


HOME WRECKER EDITS...easy come...easy go!!!


Since I made the choice to leave Gerard for another man, I was confronted by people who made judgments about who I was. 
I was judged from all angles. I knew it was easy to form an opinion of someone without knowing all the facts, but all this criticism had weighed heavily on me. It hurt to be seen as someone without a soul. I was definitely feeling the consequences of my actions. I was trying to rebuild my life, but I couldn’t run from what had happened, or deny what I had done. Even though I didn’t feel remorseful for leaving Gerard, I did have to live with my choices.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Home Wrecker...Before the edits!!!



The first time we went ring shopping ( my soon to be husband) Gerard's house on the top of the hill burnt down.  Who would have thought?  Was it a sign, I wondered? 

 I had made it known I didn’t want to live there, but I surely didn’t wish for this to happen.

On our way back from shopping downtown, we noticed a big cloud of smoke had formed over the mountains. From that very moment, I knew Gerard’s property was going to be affected, even though the fire was several miles away. Gerard didn’t buy into my suspicions. He thought I was being silly. Yes, I do tend yo overreact. 

Soon after, we found out that most of Malibu and Topanga was burning. I couldn’t help but feel guilty because, in a way, I had wished for this house to be gone. I felt like it was standing in our way. Could I have been the one who lit the match? Just food for thought. 

There was a certain peacefulness in the woods around his home. It was far enough away that you couldn’t hear the sounds of traffic and congestion. There, the outside world did not exist. It had a lot of great qualities, but I wasn’t interested in utilizing them. Being a city gal...a little congestion never bothered me.

As we continued making our way back, we were mesmerized by the massive flames. Gerard dropped me off and then went up the hill to see if the fire had reached his home. 

The rest of the afternoon, I waited to hear some news from him. The media was going crazy reporting the spread of the fire. It was enough to make anyone a bit tense. By nightfall, I still had not heard from Gerard. When I did phone him, he was still really casual about it all. I would have been just a bit more dramatic...what a shock! 

After a while, I really started to worry for his safety. I called him several times, begging him to get down the hill. At the time, the entire canyon was burning up and Gerard was out on his patio, drinking beers with his brother Lance, who had come to his rescue. Rather than rushing around collecting his belongings, they sat watching the flames approach his backyard. Let's face it, I would have been gathering my shoes!!! 

After a couple of beers, some pasta and packing, he made it down the hill to safety. He didn’t get to my place until after nine o’clock that night. I was ready to kill him, though I knew once I saw him, the anger would go away. As the hours passed, I feared I would never see him again. It made me realize how crucial he was to my life. It felt like a test. Or so I thought?