I don’t want you guys to feel sorry for me or anything but I want you to know a little about what goes on with me in my daily life. When I got sick in 2007 out of the blue I was paralyzed within hours. I never thought I would walk again but here I am running around. While I was paralyzed I acted like Rocky Balboa fighting for my life. I heard that “Rocky” theme song in my head constantly while I worked vigorously doing extra physical therapy on my own. Yes, I was a fighter and I wasn’t about to let any doctor or anyone tell me I would not walk again. I heard the words but those words only made me work harder.
The last several years have not been without struggle but life is good with my man and we do have great times together. Still, my illness looms in the air. I am not the sturdy girl I once was, even though mentally I am as strong as a bull. That attitude only gets me in trouble when I am trying to take on more than I should. One should never look for trouble and it seems I always have to learn the hard way.
When I was told I had a rare auto-immune disease, I really thought my life was over in that one breath. “Transverse Myelitis” is in the MS family and as author Karen Magill knows, this disease is no party. She has a nice way of looking at the positives but frankly none of us deserve to suffer and with these diseases we do suffer. It is suffering is what gives me inspiration to write on many occasions, such as today.
With everything that I deal with, numbness, tingling and pain, I also get this weird itching thing that the doctors can’t seem to explain. It has to do with the nerves in my hands and arms. If I ever cut myself I am almost sure to get a terrible itching spell. One I can’t even explain to myself. It starts from the tips of my fingers to my wrists and it intensifies with time. It feels like there are tiny gremlins running up and down my hands. It makes me feel like I am part of a horror film as I pace around screaming about like a vampire. Thankfully the spells tend to stop after thirty-five minutes (I clock them) but they end just as mysteriously as they begin.
Today I went to the dermatologist to have her look at my skin. I complained about a couple of freckles around my wrists and she was kind enough not to dismiss me but to pull out the liquid nitrogen. I was grateful to her until a few minutes afterwards when this itching began. All of a sudden, I couldn’t stop myself from pacing the room, holding my fingers and whimpering to myself.
When I was having this done I didn’t even think about the itching. Most of the time I walk around feeling like a normal person and that is what catches me off guard the most. When something like this happens I am reminded that I am not normal, nor will I ever be. At the same time I am reminded how fragile I am. How fragile life is and what a gift it is to feel normal. Something I used to feel on a regular basis. Many moons ago.
The days I can linger around feeling like a normal girl is one of the most beautiful blessings I could ever wish for. Something that I personally cannot or will not take for granted. Hardships change a person. Hopefully it makes you stronger instead of angry. I have tried anger and all it does is lead to more anger. Nothing good comes from such a negative attitude. Believe me, I know all too well.
So next time you are letting the everyday mundane things bring you down, just remember how good life is and how lucky you are to be YOU!