Monday, February 17, 2014

The story of a girl... continues

I don’t want you guys to feel sorry for me or anything but I want you to know a little about what goes on with me in my daily life. When I got sick in 2007 out of the blue I was paralyzed within hours. I never thought I would walk again but here I am running around. While I was paralyzed I acted like Rocky Balboa fighting for my life. I heard that “Rocky” theme song in my head constantly while I worked vigorously doing extra physical therapy on my own. Yes, I was a fighter and I wasn’t about to let any doctor or anyone tell me I would not walk again. I heard the words but those words only made me work harder. 

The last several years have not been without struggle but life is good with my man and we do have great times together. Still, my illness looms in the air. I am not the sturdy girl I once was, even though mentally I am as strong as a bull. That attitude only gets me in trouble when I am trying to take on more than I should. One should never look for trouble and it seems I always have to learn the hard way.

When I was told I had a rare auto-immune disease, I really thought my life was over in that one breath. “Transverse Myelitis” is in the MS family and as author Karen Magill knows, this disease is no party. She has a nice way of looking at the positives but frankly none of us deserve to suffer and with these diseases we do suffer. It is suffering is what gives me inspiration to write on many occasions, such as today.

With everything that I deal with, numbness, tingling and pain, I also get this weird itching thing that the doctors can’t seem to explain. It has to do with the nerves in my hands and arms. If I ever cut myself I am almost sure to get a terrible itching spell. One I can’t even explain to myself. It starts from the tips of my fingers to my wrists and it intensifies with time. It feels like there are tiny gremlins running up and down my hands. It makes me feel like I am part of a horror film as I pace around screaming about like a vampire. Thankfully the spells tend to stop after thirty-five minutes (I clock them) but they end just as mysteriously as they begin.


Today I went to the dermatologist to have her look at my skin. I complained about a couple of freckles around my wrists and she was kind enough not to dismiss me but to pull out the liquid nitrogen. I was grateful to her until a few minutes afterwards when this itching began. All of a sudden, I couldn’t stop myself from pacing the room, holding my fingers and whimpering to myself. 

When I was having this done I didn’t even think about the itching. Most of the time I walk around feeling like a normal person and that is what catches me off guard the most. When something like this happens I am reminded that I am not normal, nor will I ever be. At the same time I am reminded how fragile I am. How fragile life is and what a gift it is to feel normal. Something I used to feel on a regular basis. Many moons ago. 

The days I can linger around feeling like a normal girl is one of the most beautiful blessings I could ever wish for. Something that I personally cannot or will not take for granted. Hardships change a person. Hopefully it makes you stronger instead of angry. I have tried anger and all it does is lead to more anger. Nothing good comes from such a negative attitude. Believe me, I know all too well.

So next time you are letting the everyday mundane things bring you down, just remember how good life is and how lucky you are to be YOU!

11 comments:

  1. Brenda my darling. I hope you are okay. I get really itchy sometimes - my scalp has been itchy for years - but I don't know how to help. Remember I am sending you good thoughts.

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  2. Wow, I can't imagine what it's like for either of you ladies. I pray they can find out what's going on with both of you and give you some kind of relief soon.

    Thank you for letting the world look inside you and your life the way you do, Brenda. I believe this is a very important post that should be shared far and wide. Stay strong my dear friend.

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    1. They say that an itchy scalp is good luck. Hope that's right. I've been dealing with it for close to 14 years so I should get lots of good luck.

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    2. Thanks Karen. My problem is really not an itch. It is more like a throbbing that continues to intensify. I scream out loud for a half hour straight. I talked to a neuropathic MS doctor and she said it was the inflamation process. I am not sure I agree but I know it is something that if it lasted for more than the 35 minutes I would want to be shot and put out of my misery. An itch is a whole different story. Don't wish this on any one but the big blessing is this only seems to happen 3-5 times a year. I do not like to complain but this thing is bad ass!!! No joke! Thankful this is one thing you don't have to experience. :-)

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    3. Thank you Crystal for your understanding, compassion and for taking the time to read this post and commment. That means so much to me. Your support is so awesome. so glad to know you!!!! xo

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  3. I couldn't possibly express what's in my heart right now, Brenda. You remind me daily what it means to press on, no matter what. I'm so blessed and proud to call you friend. Praying all is well tonight. Sending out love and hugs to you and Karen, both.

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    1. Thank you Nadia for taking the time to read my post. You are so dear to me. Friends really make all the difference!

      Today is a new day full of new possibilities! Nadia, you have a beautiful heart. Crystal and Karen too! I feel your love all the way to California! XO

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  4. As a life long suffer of asthma, I know what it is like to have to live with an uillness for which has no cure. I guess in one respect I'm lucky because I don't have the "life before" because was too young to remember that. But like you, I refuse to let that define me. I know it's hard but remember it's what you do with what you have instead of what you can't.

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    1. Thank you John for what you said. So beautiful. I really appreciate your words and kindness! :-)

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