Brooklyn and Bo Chronicles Blog Posts


When I decided to publish Brooklyn and Bo Chronicles I was hoping to help the other sufferers. Not focus so much on the infidelity, though most couldn’t see past that. My bigger message in Shattered Reality should have been the illness I was faced with and others are faced with. Transverse Myelitis and MS Auto immune diseases are getting to be much more common these days and people should not have to feel alone in their suffering. There are places to reach out, like support groups and meeting places. In fact, I met one of my best friends on a Transverse Myelitis support group on the Internet in 2009. I even got to meet her in person. She was an individual that was so stricken down she couldn’t even sit down to dinner with us as it hurt too much and yet this was a lady that had me laughing on the telephone almost every week. I loved her optimism and sheer zest for life. She passed away shortly after I went to her hometown of Kennebunkport, Maine but I feel so blessed to have known her even though it wasn’t for as long as I would have liked. Here is to Patricia. A fighter and a warrior and to all the other survivors that are rising above these awful diseases. 

If you are afflicted, please know you are not alone and you should reach out for support. There are many resources on the Internet. 

Here is my story about how I felt after my Sept, 2007 diagnosis with a chronic illness. I am doing better now but I will never be 100%. What I am left with I deal with as best as I can. I feel grateful as the doctors predicted that I would never walk again and now I could even run (if I wanted to, of course) and through this I have learned to not take anything, not one thing for granted. Love the people in your life and let them know how much they mean to you. 

"Can you imagine being like forty years old, your last parent has passed away and then you are struck down so bad that you are given a death sentence. A sentence so debilitating that you can compare it to being buried alive. You are in this body but you can't get out. Stuck with nowhere to go but down. "I am not this body. I am not this body," I remember my yoga teacher having us chant. I. Am. Not. This. Body.

You are told there are clinical trials but so far they have not seen any positive results. You can feel the pity. People sneak a glance at you but when you catch them, they look away. No eye contact. That is because they know you are doomed. You know you are doomed but the words are never said but that reality lingers in the air.

I am put on this table and told I will have to learn to care for myself even my limbs won't be any help. I will need the arm strength later. By the way things are looking, I would need the strength now. When you can't even wiggle your toes you know you are screwed. By the way, the medication, Prednisone will give you moon face. Everyone gets it, they tell me. 

In the meantime, your screams, the ones you have held in until you are left alone in your hospital room gives you no relief. There is nothing but misery. You are left to deal with the aftermath of a spinal attack the doctors don't even have a name for and no mater how many people love you and care about you, you are ultimately alone. Alone and lonelier than you have ever been." 








It looks like it’s really happening. Like, L.A. Punk Rocker is out, for sure. This valley girl is like totally pumped to share these like awesome experiences from the eighties on the grungy streets of Hollywood. Fame, fashion and PUNK ROCK! British bands mixed with the L.A. Music Scene was all a buzz.

It was a Bitchin' time to be young, wild and free.




Fifteen stories from the eighties set in Los Angeles, written by LA Punk Queen Brenda Perlin and her friends who lived every moment of an electric era in the City of Angels. That unique and precious time when punk rock was more than just a rebellion. 

This is what Billy Idol had to say about L.A. Punk Rocker…
"Pretty wild chapter on me…maybe u shouldv’e written my book, good luck with it..BFI.”

Inside you’ll discover Billy Idol. Iggy Pop. X. U2. Bad Religion. Tales of local punk rockers on the brink of glorious fame. Late nights at the Roxy. Wild times at the Whiskey with some of the best rock ever. Here you’ll find the in-your-face attitude, the clothes, the fashion, the sex, the music as hard as nails and fast as lightning.

Brenda and her friends were somewhere every night queuing backstage, in hotel rooms with the band, partying on the streets…and avoiding irate parents on school nights! 

It’s all here.


LAPunkRocker. The next thing to being there…






Special thanks to the contributors of L.A. Punk Rocker, Mark Barry, Steven E. Metz, Deborah Hernandez-Runions, and Cindy Jimenez Mora who put themselves out there.

Much gratitude to MAB and #mrword. 

#LAPUNKQUEEN

L.A. Punk Rocker

Amazon US

Amazon UK





Ivy Grace

I share so much about Alex (the Mutt) but never really talk about Ivy (Ivy Grace) though she deserves the same praise. I picked her up on the spur of the moment. She was the first dog I chose on my own. I had this crazy urge to rescue a dog even though we already had two at home. The feeling of saving a life called out to me as did the billboards around LA with the words GRACE spread out in bold letters. As I made my way through Hollywood I kept seeing GRACE written all over the place. In my mind I recited, it will be by the grace of God that a dog is spared today. I had this pull but I wasn’t sure where it was coming from. I felt as if it was from somewhere up above, it had to be because getting another dog was not at all sensible at the time. We already had Alex and Toast. Sebastian, Fatty Bear, as I called him was put down not long before. He had a good life and went out with his tummy full of cookies and more kisses than you can imagine.

On this day I was in a mad fury to find “the one”. My Grace that would fill this hole in my heart. First I looked in an over-crowded shelter in a bad part of Los Angeles. There I found more dogs that were under quarantine than not. Their sad stories could be heard by their yelps and cries. I wanted to take them all but it wasn’t to be. There was this one dog that sat at the edge of the cage, who didn’t even get up to meet me. It wasn’t that she was scared but she didn’t have the strength. Her legs were too weak. So young and beautiful but she didn’t have a chance. I requested information about her, even called my vet asking what they could do to help. I got excited at the prospect but then quickly gave into defeat when I learned all that would be involved with curing her, if that was even possible.  She was on death row at the pound and there was nothing I could do to turn things around. With tears flooding my eyes, I left feeling like my world was falling apart. This beautiful soul was not to be my Grace. 

As I continued on my way, the tears flowing onto my clothes I was not about to give up my quest to find our next baby. There was a dog out there. The right dog. I knew it. I could feel her.

Not too many miles from our house. I was almost ready to call it a day when I remembered this shelter. Upon entering I just knew I was not going to leave empty handed. And as it went, I didn’t. There was a beautiful shepherd mutt in a cage with this huge over-powering looking wolf of a dog next to her. There she was looking intimidated and reserved. When I asked to see her I was told that she had food fights. Of course she would have food fights, she was hungry, I thought to myself. 

I was able to take her into a small yard to see if we would get along but this dog didn’t seem to have much interest in me. More than anything she wanted to play. She pranced around in awe. Sniffing and observing every bush she passed. I didn’t exist in her world. She was just happy to be out in the open. I loved her curious nature which made me figure she was smart and that she was.

Ivy and I became extremely close. Especially after Alex was no longer with us. When I would cry she would come up close and lick my tears. She would practically be sitting on me, trying to get me to laugh. When I got sick years ago it was Ivy who was always by my side. It was just us in my hospital bed in the living room. Everyday it was the same thing until I could learn to walk again. With her, I was never really alone. She made me feel protected, loved and understood. She could sense when I needed her to be subdued or when I could use a good chuckle. We had this connection that I can’t describe but she showed it to me everyday in subtle ways. 

As it happened, this great big quest to save a life became something so much more than I could have imagined. In the end, it was Ivy Grace, who truly saved me.




I began writing because I had the need to share and wanted everyone to read what I had to say. Since then, that expectation has gone a bit to the wayside. Instead, I have been more concerned with enjoying the moment. More than anything I want this book thing to be fun. Once it stops being fun, I hope to walk away.

Yes, this is a business but more than anything it should be a passion. If you can’t find joy during the process then it might be time to reevaluate.

I have made friends from all around the world that have changed my life in a positive way. If there is a question I need answered or a problem crying out to be fixed there are always people I can turn to. 

Even though I have never met but these folks they have become a part of my day to day and I wouldn’t want to wake up not having them a part of my life.  

There can be so much negativity in the indie world and in life. So many of us have experienced hard times, difficulties and frustrations but with each other’s support none of us should ever feel alone. That is the best thing about social networking. We have built a network. I know this to be true because in times of need I have seen unconditional love that is as pure as rain.

There was a time when our books, no matter how good, would go unnoticed and remain on our desktops, never to be read. That is no longer the case.

Here’s to great friends and independent publishing!





Holidays like Thanksgiving reminds me how much my life has changed. Mostly for the best but I can’t help feeling a bit sentimental. I can still see my mom and my cousins in the kitchen, a mess everywhere,  preparing the turkey with all the fixings while laughing all the way through. There was so much joy in my house. 

On New Years Eve my mom would wake us girls up on at midnight making sure she told us how much she loved us just in time for the new year. She radiated happiness in those moments. That kind of unconditional love has not been something that I feel that often in my life these days. I have a man who loves me and some friends and family that care but there is nothing better than the love of your parents. Especially if they are good parents as mine were. They always put their children first, no matter what. 

It is times like this that I give thanks to all the people who have passed through my life giving me something to smile about and shown me love. These are things that one should never take for granted. 


Artwork by Jennifer Yoswa  

If you have read Brooklyn and Bo Chronicles you will know the heartbreaking story of Brooklyn’s dad and his girlfriend. The woman that ended up breaking his heart at the end of his life. Leaving him crushed and hopeless because she got greedy at the end and was willing to let him die alone because she wanted more money even though she was already set up very well. This was a woman that wanted all her belongings to go to HER family and she wouldn’t have wanted them to have to share with HIS.
This part of the story does not come with a happy ending but the interesting part is after almost ten years her greedy son contacted the family because they had some of Brooklyn’s things from childhood as well as a couple of bank bonds.

These are not good people. Why the son decided to do the right thing after all these years leaves me asking the question… but why?




Diamonds are a girls best friend?


Sometimes not having a diamond wedding ring is a reminder of what is lacking in your life.

In my case my feelings are not so clear. Even though I am with a man, my soul mate and life partnerI know we will never make the transition from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband and wife. I agreed from early on that marriage was not his strong point and I went along with the idea that we would never walk down the aisle together.

I have had friends that have made this same promise but ended up resenting it after a while. That was when the ultimatum  would happen and either they would start making wedding plans or the relationship would dissolve. 

I am not about to resent this man who stated his intentions from the start, still I can’t help but wonder. What if?




Have you ever done something so out of character that you didn’t even recognize yourself?

 I felt that way when married my husband even though he was not my type and then again when I cheated on him some fifteen years later.

For the longest time my actions were questioned and reputation was faulty.  I turned into a person without a soul. This character flaw surprised me and left me wondering if this was in my personality all along. Was I shaped to be a cheater?

Honestly, I don’t think so. My parents stayed married, smae goes for my grandparents and they were all upstanding citizens. So what happened to me?

When I think about it now, I believe I am a product of my life experience. Not to make excuses but my life has been filled with losses, disappointments and ongoing struggles. I survived many things that would make others want to end it all. Instead I have tried to find the good from my situation. For one thing I no longer feel defensive about how I have lived my life. I have done the best I could and I am thankful I have managed to make a better life for myself. Instead of feeling regret I have tried to rise above the adversity.

I now live a life with a man that feeds my soul. There are no more lies or reasons to hide. We have managed to build something really good from the rubbish that we left behind.


Even though Brooklyn and Bo Chronicles is now complete, the conflict between Brooklyn, Bo and Ruth continues. The couple’s relationship strives on yet Ruth can’t seem to resist sending old photographs when she and Bo were married and off the wall emails. What would life be like without Ruth’s ongoing drama? 
How do you rise above negative opinions and comments? How do you not let the insults crush you?

Subject: Don’t Fight Temptation. Flee It!

Bo, You hang with dogs you get fleas
Heard a very fitting comment.
She looks evil, what an ugly person coming from within....dead on with no question from someone that doesn't even know details...WOW blows me away to know that so many see through the facade.
Narcissistic 100%...comments on how disrespectful to Emily..it was her day and you tried to upstage such a heartfelt memorial...absolutely self centered,,don'y care or respect anything or anyone....such  a bad sin...

I WAS EASY.....NOT THIS ONE...CUT YOUR JUGGLERS TYPE..
BETTER TO BE CAREFUL BUNKY….haha

RUTH



Fractured Vows (Brooklyn and Bo Chronicles : Book Three)



The needle pierces my skin and the dye runs through my veins. In an instant I am back in time. A time I felt stuck with absolutely no options.Thinking about the past seven years I am flooded with a feeling of sadness. The last time I was in an MRI machine I was paralyzed and the technicians didn't know how to prop me up on the bench since I couldn't do it on my own. They thought maybe I could just put my mind to it. They didn't understand that paralyzed meant paralyzed. As much as I wanted to give it the old college try, my legs were pretty much useless. When your body stops working the way it should you can try with all your might but willing it to work is a fantasy. It doesn't come together like that. So I found out.

While I am flat on my back trying to focus on Creed playing from the earphones they supplied me with I couldn’t help think what a joke this was. With the loud thumping piercing my ears I could hardly hear the lyrics because of the constant banging. Still, I attempted to sing to myself rallying up my inner-strength.

Just seven years ago I was in a loveless marriage though my husband might not have looked at it that way. He was in it for the long haul. I thought I was too but then after such a life changing illness, I was now questioning my prior commitments. I saw how fleeting life was and I wanted to live. Not the way I was living before the illness but really living. It was then that I realized I was on borrowed time. Maybe we all are, but in my case the warning signs were everywhere I looked. This strong girl was now considered fragile.

When I started walking again I was given a glimmer of hope. With that tiny bit of optimism I knew I wanted more. There was no reason to settle as I had. While granted the gift of a second chance, I was not about to throw it away. Whatever quality time I would have left I decided it was going to be on my terms.




                                                                           (BettleWings)



The Brooklyn and Bo Chronicles has gotten a face-lift plus a fresh polish to make them even more raw than the first editions.


Shattered Reality and Burnt Promises has been re-released on Amazon.com. These books have not lost their edge but are now grittier than the originals.


Can Brooklyn and Bo's love survive the ongoing turmoil caused by their ex's? 

Find out more with the release of Fractured Vows, Book three in the trilogy.








I do know a little something about spousal abuse although I never felt a punch or graced a bruise. I just lived a life of ongoing fear and shed more tears than water I could have possibly ingested. Somehow the water was there when those tears needed to flow down my cheeks. My husband never hurt me with his fists, only with his mouth. If words could kill there would be nothing left of me and my sad story.
When we met this was a man who said he wanted to give me the world, but instead took away my yearning for anything, little by little. Something just died inside of me. As far as I saw it my life was over because my zest for life was now missing. Non-existent. I stopped getting excited about everyday things and lost my desire
to see the world. For me, that chance had sailed as soon as I said, "I do" to this quiet natured man that used to ask me, “What can I do for my girl today?" Those words were a distant memory replaced by resentment and me constantly walking on eggshells. Being a wife for me was a sort of a jail sentence as I was no longer my own person but someone else's wife. With that came responsibility. There were rules to follow, which I screwed up left and right. You see he had expectations I could never in a million years fulfill, and because of that we lived in a marriage that was a disappointment on both ends and was pretty much doomed from the start.
Now that I made the daring move to walk away from this fifteen-year marriage my spirits have once again been lifted. I didn't walk away with pride or my head held high, but just the same I left and my faith has been restored. The zest for life that I had come to dismiss has come back in a wave of gratitude.
________
Brenda Perlin, author of The Brooklyn and Bo Chronicles.

"I believe the most painful thing affecting my mother’s life was a car accident she had where my oldest sister, Renee, was left in a coma for several months. It was the fifties, before there were seat belts and car seats. My sister was sitting in the front seat, playing with a little doll that fell to the floor while my mom was driving. Mom reached down to grab the doll and lost control of the car, and the rest was history. You get the picture; it was not a happy story."
Shattered Reality 



Have you ever just fallen apart? Gotten lost in a vortex? Lost your motivation or passion for everything around you?

After I got sick in 2007 I lost all hope. I lived a life in a black hole not knowing if there would ever be better days ahead. The potential of never walking again scared me to the core. It felt like a nightmare that stayed during the day and the night. My faith drifted with the thought of living with a disease that could not be corrected. My days were filled with dread fearing what shoe would drop next. It was a dismal time with no silver lining in sight. For a short period of time I was given a death sentence since the doctors didn’t have anything to help get me better. It was all a wait and see kind of thing that made me live my life in total fear.

Then all of a sudden things began to turn around, I started spending less time with specialists and began seeing a resemblance of my old life. It was a gradual process but it was surely a blessing. There are so many sick young people in the world where their stuff doesn’t turn around. They have hope and they have faith and still they are not walking. This could have easily been my fate but I fought with everything that I had to stay strong and fight against the odds. I am not saying that I am out of the woods but at this very moment, life is good. This death sentence came so close but now I am free.



Thank you Phil Naessens for the podcast interview. I had so much fun talking about Shattered Reality and Burnt Promises with you. Really! Ha!!!



video



I am not even sure I thought first before I crossed the line but I  proceeded without caution, full speed ahead.


I used to live such a predicable life and did what was right. I played by the rules and had morals. Not just morals but high morals. I prided myself on being a good upstanding individual. That was until everything changed. 

This unassuming man looked my way and with a broad smile I looked back.

Have you ever gone so out of character that you surprised even yourself?





Shattered Reality is my coming-of-age story  
When I am by myself I think about what I have been through and what I have put others through. I never set out to be immoral but somehow I set my ethics aside for this man I had just met.

There is no making this right. All I can do is try to do better in the future. Even though I live with the consequences of my actions I have come to a place of self-forgiveness. That is what I would want for someone I cared about. To be forgiven.

If I could, I would certainly do things differently but isn’t that what everyone says after they have been caught doing something dishonest? 

Have you ever felt invisible?

In a matter of seconds I could not move my legs. Just like that, I was paralyzed. What did I do that was so bad to be given such a fate? No matter how many times I searched my soul looking for answers, those answers never came. I just had to carry those thoughts in my head hoping to find something concrete to hold onto. I needed clarity but as the days passed I was no closer to understanding why this happened to me. Was I a rotten person in a past life?

It all seems surreal to me now but it happened in a blink of an eye. One day I was living an active lifestyle (a personal trainer as a matter of fact) and the following day I became a handicapped woman in a wheelchair. This couldn’t be me I said to myself as I caught my reflection. As I made my way around people purposely looked the other way, suddenly I was invisible.

When escaped my fifteen-year marriage, my warm home and secure life, I was left with a huge amount of uncertainty. Oodles of self-doubt flooded my senses. After so many years of living my life as someone’s wife, I had to find a new identity and redefine my life. Another man was not going to do this for me. It was up to me and me alone to find my way.

After all the tough things I have gone through, and all the nightmares I have struggled through, it was then that I was truly having to learn to be a survivor.

Do you consider yourself a survivor? If so, what kept you going? 


When I walked away from my fifteen year marriage I was given a label. That label was Home Wrecker and those words have defined me ever since. I was not a perfect wife but I tried to be the best person I could be. I wanted to be like my mom who put her family first. I cared about the welfare of my husband and was maternal with him. For most of those years we worked as a team. Then we did not.

Years of struggles and disappointment changed us. Those events altered everything. Our relationship became more about obligation and less about love. My feelings for him died and so did my enthusiasm for life. It was as if everything inside me went numb. During that time my husband became distant and whatever good that we had between us was no longer there. I stopped trying and I think he did too.



While at the gym today, a woman on the stair stepper next to me offered up her Star magazine even though I was clearly busy reading Mark Barry's amazing book "Carla." I have not read a gossip magazine in ages. On the cover was Demi Moore in a skimpy gold bikini. While I was trying to read, her breasts were distracting me and I found myself glancing down at the paparazzi photo spread. I couldn’t resist picking it up. 

 I turned the pages to find a three piece layout called “Hollywood’s Happy Home Wreckers.” Now that really caught my attention. Since my book is titled Home Wrecker, the words screamed out to me. I couldn’t help getting a tad bit defensive. Even though I picked that name, honestly I don’t like the sound of it. There is nothing good about a Home Wrecker even if it is you doing the wrecking.

It seems all these glamorous stars were caught in a pretty similar predicament that I was in not too long ago. What was good to read was it seems it all worked out for these celebs. Sometimes in life you find yourself in a situation that you never would have imagined. Life is like that. One day you are a loyal housewife cooking dinner for your husband and the next thing you know you are fighting off not one but two angry spouses,

Truth be told, I would much rather be considered a Home Wrecker then spend the rest of my life filled with regrets.


Even though I have confessed all over the internet that I left my husband for another man, I do not plan to make apologies for the rest of my life. I cannot live my life regretting something that I cannot take back. Nor, should I have to.

I did what I did with my eyes wide open and if I were to go back in time my guess is I would do exactly the same thing all over again. The end result has been worth all the harsh judgment and unfair criticism.


I don’t owe anyone an explanation or rationalization. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you cannot know without a doubt what you would have done.



"When I left my husband, after fifteen some odd years for another man, my good principles went down the sewer in a matter of seconds. All it took was for me to set foot outside the gym with this man that I had only met just a few months earlier. It was then that my morals were tested and I failed that test with flying colors.”


When I left my husband back in 2010, I left behind my dog Ivy. I could not take her away from him. Even though I was the one that picked her out from the pound, he loved her too. What I did to him was bad enough, I couldn’t be heartless.

Now when I look back, a part of me regrets what I did. Not so much the infidelity but walking away from an animal that I loved with all my heart. She was always by my side even when I was downstairs in my hospital bed recovering from a chronic illness. She was forever loyal and made me laugh during a time that there was nothing left to laugh about. Somehow she felt that I was broken and did everything she could to bring a smile to my face.

I knew I did the right thing by not taking her away from her home and my husband who loved her just as much as I did. Her love felt unconditional and loved us both equally. I knew she would be okay. I just did not realize how hard it would be for me. I thought there would come a time I would recover from this loss. Yet, that has not happened.

I think about her all of the time. I miss not being with her and visualize not spending her last days with her. Those thoughts, no matter how morbid remind me of how much I really gave up.




Even though I failed on my wedding vows, I still believe in the constitution of marriage.  Had I married the right person in the first place I am convinced that I could have stuck with it and stayed true.

When I first met the man who would later become my husband, I resisted him. He did everything in his power to win me over, as they say. My intuition was telling me to walk away but I didn’t. I was so taken with his motivation to get me to love him that I found it difficult to turn him away.

At the time I was twenty-eight years old and was feeling like I had already missed the boat. I felt it was time for me to make that commitment even though many of the right pieces were not in place. I settled on something that should have never been. I went against my instincts and because of that, I was not true to myself. I settled, as sad as that sounds.



After losing both parents I have learned that you cannot take ANYTHING for granted. If I could just have one more day with my parents, one more hour, or even one more minute, I would jump at the chance.

Sometimes we don’t realize what we have until it is too late. We get so caught up in our lives and everyday problems that we can’t seem to look past them. What I do know from being sick is that all the things that were stressing me out during that time meant absolutely nothing compared to what I was facing. I was able to clear my calendar in an instant even though I thought those obligations written in pen were non-negotiable. 

With loss comes perspective. When I see people with two healthy parents and don’t appreciate them I cannot help thinking about how foolish they are being. I understand there are some relationships that are non-repairable. I just know what it is like to not have the chance to say the things I wished to have said. If I could back I would make sure they both knew how much I really loved them and how grateful I am to them for their unconditional love.



It wasn’t until I was twenty-eight years when I got my first dog. I had very little experience with them so they seemed pretty foreign to me. In fact, when I helped my husband pick out a dog from the animal shelter I knew very little about them. I remember asking him how she would sleep. I didn’t know if she slept lying down or stood on all four legs like horses did. I know how crazy that sounds, but back then, I seriously did not know. I was pretty clueless when it came to taking care of a pet. 

When we picked this dog from the shelter she wasn’t exactly my first choice. In fact, if it were up to me, I never would have picked her. I was more interested in the adorable little puppies. This mangy looking mutt wasn’t much more than three months old, yet she looked haggard. She was sickly and sad, which left me feeling sad as well. I couldn’t tell my husband not to get her because that would have been cruel. After all, she needed a home so badly. 
At first, she wasn’t very trusting or overly friendly. She used to hide outside the house during the night and when I introduced her to friends, she would run underneath the car. You could tell that she was a street dog and had never been in a house before we brought her home. Thankfully, she changed practically overnight. She blossomed into an entirely different dog; she became a happy puppy and loved to be around people. I never would have believed what a great companion a dog could be. My dad thought animals were dirty and meant for the zoo, not our house.

When I first met my husband’s family, I called them “the dog family” because they were obsessed with their animals. Every card they sent had a picture of a dog on it and every household gathering was always centered on the dogs. I thought they were a bit weird until I got a dog of my own.
Even though Alex was truly my husband’s dog, I felt closer to her. I thought we just had a special bond. I couldn’t believe I’d thought of leaving her at the pound.  I loved her like I gave birth to her myself; she was like my child. 
I was hardly ever alone because she was almost always with me. When I woke up in the morning, she was next to me on the bed where I got my usual good morning licks. When I made my way to the kitchen, she followed me around while I made the coffee. She liked to share my toothpaste with me when I brushed my teeth. Alex always sat next to my chair during breakfast. She waited there for me, knowing how predictable I was. She just seemed to know my routine. 
Alex really became our sidekick. She went everywhere with us. We took her with us on date night to dinner and always joined us at our friend’s art openings. She became very social and had a way of getting attention from just about anyone. Her personality was so sweet and when she wanted to she knew how to charm you. She was such a girl. She would just bat her eyelashes in a flirty kind of way. Her actions seemed so human. I know most people think their dogs are special but Alex was just so smart. After a while she seemed to take on my personality. Like me, she could be the life of the party when she felt like it and at other times she would be moody and reserved. 
When I was with her, I never felt alone. Even though we were not having a conversation, I always felt she understood what I was feeling. We were always very much in sync.



Now that the holidays are here, for me it is a time for reflection. When I think about Christmas I think about all the years of being with my family celebrating in our game room. The entire family gathered at our house to be together. What I remember the most was just this feeling of being content. While I was with all these people that I loved, I felt fulfilled. Back then we were close. That was before my mother died. With her death, my family pretty much evaporated in front of my eyes. Nothing was ever the same again.

Through the years my life has changed and so has the way I celebrate. While I was married I loved being with husband’s family and after a while they became my own.

Losing this family that were mine for so many years hits hard now that Christmas in just a day away. With them, I could be myself without any misunderstandings. I never had to worry about what I said. I was accepted for just being me. How golden that seems now that those days are in the past.

Besides giving up my dog Ivy who I loved so much, walking away from these people has been the hardest part to my divorce. Now this family is no longer mine. This is when I really feel the consequences of what I did. 

There is always the yin and yang that comes with making such big life-changing decisions. I love my boyfriend more than anything and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else but today I am just reminded of the sacrifices that I made. When I closed the door to my marriage I also left behind a family that meant the world to me.

Before the divorce, I used to pride myself on my high morals and my loyalty. I was never the kind of girl who went after her friends’ boyfriends or cheated on anyone. I had more self-respect than that. It had been difficult to accept that I was no longer the person I once was. I had to learn to see myself differently. I knew I was not a bad person but someone who had made some critical mistakes.


When I left my husband for another man I was scrutinized by just about everyone. More than that, I condemned myself continuously because I knew what I did was morally wrong.

I have had a hard time accepting what I did since I knew even while I was doing it, that it was unethical. You have to be able to feel good about yourself. You know the saying, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Well, there lies my dilemma. 

How do you forgive yourself for something that you know was immoral? How do you let yourself off the hook for being  imperfect?

The thing is we can’t undo the past. What is done is done. There comes a time you have to give yourself a break. 

From all of my mistakes, I have learned from them and gained an education. Some of these mistakes, I would do all over again.  We are human, right? Sometimes it takes us hitting  our head against the wall over and over again to actually learn something.

It takes a lot of work to forgive yourself and actually believe it. 



I believe fate changes everything. Things do happen for a reason.  Had I not learned to embrace life and live like my days were numbered, I never would have yearned for more, I would have continued being “the wife” who settled for less. I lived unfulfilled because I thought it was what I needed to do.
All these life changes have led me to a better place. Even though it had been the hardest, most difficult experience, I was so thankful to have gone through it, as it made me a stronger person.

What really changed my life was losing my mother when I did. I was so immature and knew nothing about the real world. That loss changed me in so many ways. Had my mom lived longer, I would have had an entirely different way of looking at things. I lived in a world that revolved around me and my happiness. My mom sheltered me from the ugly side of life. I only saw what she wanted me to see. After her death, I had to face the hard realities of life head on. I had no buffers and I had to learn to fend for myself. Some of the lessons I have had to learn, I learned the hard way.




“I was physically attacked by a woman who didn’t even know me. Yes, my boyfriend was her former husband, but she tried to ruin me.”

I don’t know how some people think they are above the law? You can’t attack someone in broad daylight with a large audience and think you are going to get away with it. This crazy lady came unglued. She is the real Home Wrecker in this saga but lives in denial.
Some individuals just seem to lack common sense. Either you have it or you don’t. I have made some pretty bad decisions in my life but I am thankful my mom handed me down her good sense. With that comes a certain confidence. We may not be the sharpest knives in the drawer but if you mess with us, there is no way you are going to get away with it.




Love comes with a price...


Fractured Vows ( Brooklyn & Bo Chronicles: Book Three)


Do you believe in “the one?” Are you of the opinion that there is just one person out there for you?

When I married my (ex) husband I threw away the idea of a soul mate. I just tried to convince myself that he was right for me because he came on so strong. His intensity convinced me that he was “the one.”
Did I go against my instincts? I absolutely did! Have you gone against your intuition and it still worked out?
When I met my present boyfriend there was a just a certain chemistry that even I didn’t understand.
Have you ever met someone and right off the bat you felt as if you knew that person?
Well, that is what happened for me. There was a certain “something” that drew me to him. I just can’t be sure what it was. Had we known each other in a past life, was it an animal attraction, or was it plainly just the right time? I do believe timing is everything. If you are not open to it and the timing is off that can change everything  It might very well change your destiny.
For me, this man is my destiny. I will never understand it completely but at the time we were getting to know each other I knew there was a higher power that brought us together. Sometimes I tend to over analyze things but with this relationship I haven’t done that because it has felt so natural from the start.
He may not be “the one.” That might just be a romantic notion but as things stand now he is the only one I want to spend my whole life with.
My book is dedicated to this man. His love gave me the strength and motivation to trust in my writing.
A friend once asked me about the early beginnings of this relationship.
“Don’t you feel like your love is tarnished because it started out so ugly, she asked?”
My response to that was a big fat “no.”
Just being able to find this kind of love is a crapshoot. I feel so lucky that I didn’t just smile and walk the other way.


To all the writers out there: Do you remember the last time you wrote with ease and complete confidence? If it was today then you are in good shape.

Lately it has taken me so much effort to get words on the page or more accurately get words on the computer.
Years ago I used to write everyday and I never seemed to have the kind of writers block that I have now. When I think back to those early years (pre Home Wrecker days) I was able to write without a hesitation. I wrote about whatever was going on in my life. I was able to find comedy in the most mundane things and enjoyed making fun of myself and my friends.
When I think about that time I remember my daily routine was so much different than it is today. I used to make it a point to take advantage of my time and head to the nearby coffee shop to write. Once there I would be able to have a clear enough mind and an endless amount of coffee shop napkins to write my story of the day.
It was during a time when we did not have computers or cell phones. I had to write old school, pen to paper. Without all the latest technology there were less distractions so I could get right to work. I could let my ideas flow without interruption. Now, I have to push myself to do what at one time came so naturally.



Do you hold onto guilt from a past experience? Do you carry this guilt with you on a daily basis? 

When I left my husband for another man I was criticized by others but more than that I blamed myself endlessly because I knew what I did was wrong.
I have spent an endless amount of time beating myself up over a choice that I made over two years ago. Even though I knew I was not entirely to blame, as my marriage was damaged, I gave myself the Home Wrecker title.
Now that the storm has passed, I have continued to live with this guilt. I have put it all on me even though my husband should share in the responsibility for not nurturing what we had. He took me for granted and did not handle our relationship with care.
Do you feel you deserve to stay guilty for the rest of your life even if it doesn’t serve you well?
I now realize it is time for me to let go of this guilt because it doesn’t do anything but hurt me. I have been given a second chance in life. If I don't see that as a blessing then I would be one ungrateful girl!!

When Love is a Battlefield~

Shattered Reality


11 comments:

  1. Great site! Glad I found you via the IU blogfest.

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    1. Thank you Tim. How kind! I appreciate your visit. Indies Unlimited is the best! :-)

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  2. Love this post Brenda. It's like reading the books in short form. You are an inspiration to me. I love how you bare your soul to all of us in order to bring healing for yourself as well as all of us. We have all fallen short in our ideals, morals and standards. None of us are perfect. When we admit that, and realize we are just as flawed as our neighbor, we can truly love one another and forgive. Blessings to you my friend.

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    1. You sure have a way with words. Words that touch me deep down inside. You have such a warm and caring heart. I am so graced by your inner and outer beauty!

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  3. Brenda, your radio interview with Phil Naessens was amazing - kudos for you dear friend n x

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    1. Now I know you are TOO kind! Ha. You are so supportive. Thank you Ngaire. Yes, Phil does a great job!

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  4. Wow - Powerful! New follower here. I'm stopping by from the "A to Z" challenge, and I look forward to visiting again.

    Sylvia
    http://www.writinginwonderland.blogspot.com/

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  5. Great site, thanks for the links. Nice to meet and connect through atozchallenge. http://aimingforapublishingdeal.blogspot.co.uk/

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  6. Such a heartfelt blog. You've been through a lot. How do you ignore the pull of love? I do believe in soul mates and destiny. It's what I've written about in my novel. Wishing you peace.

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  7. Wow...how have I not seen this before. You are amazing!

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